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Romney wasn’t the only Romney that trended throughout the digital landscape. Anne Romney made a splash by daring to stay home to raise the kids while her husband earned only several million dollars a year. The Walrusoid Robots don’t quite understand the ensuing Mommy Wars of 2012 because they got rid of male-female genitalia during the Great Genitalia of 2246. Beyonce and Jay-Z, who in 2246 were still alive, were the first to champion the mono-genitaliac movement. They then rapped a song about it.

Vive la Internet revolución!

And when humanity’s news feed seemed to be missing the requisite emotional manipulation, a man named Kony appeared on YouTube—a vast warehouse for pet videos, dumb toddler moments, and warlords. Kony appeared with a young blonde boy and a white guy who knew stuff about Africa. The white guy ended up going nuts and took off his clothes in an affluent part of town. To the Walrusoids, the lesson here is clear. If you’re trying to take down a Ugandan guerilla leader through the power of video, you had better be prepared to get naked in public. Of course, the Walrusoid Robots don’t understand what the big deal is about getting naked in public, because they don’t wear clothes. They’re Walrusoid Robots—why would they?

The Walrusoids also learn that celebrities like Zooey Deschanel, John  Malkovitch, and Samuel Jackson all had the same best friend, an obnoxious woman named Siri. Only heard, never seen, she responded amiably to totally lazy questioning from her celebrity friends, like Zooey’s “Is that rain?” Clearly it was, because even the Walrusoids could see that Zooey was standing right next to a window where rain was visible.

The Walrusoids are interested to know what happens later in the year, but that information is in another hologram filing cabinet, somewhere else. They clearly need to figure out a better hologram filing system, because the one they’re using is bullshit.

 

Negin Farsad is an Iranian-American comedian/filmmaker who was recently named one of the 50 Funniest Women by The Huffington Post. She has written, directed, and/or performed on various series for MTV, Comedy Central, PBS, Nickelodeon, IFC, and web shows for AOL and MSN, among others. You can frequently see her spinning political jokes on shows like Current TV’s The Young Turks and CNN’s Joy Behar Show. She is director of the upcoming docu-comedy THE MUSLIMS ARE COMING! (featuring Jon Stewart, Rachel Maddow, and Janeane Garofalo). She also directed the award-winning comedy feature NERDCORE RISING (featuring Weird Al Yankovic and Prince Paul). www.neginfarsad.com. @NeginFarsad.

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