— after Yao Xiao

three Novembers ago we found a comic that  told  us if you want to say thank you,  don’t say sorry.  I  have held my breath ever since. the first time I got high I thought we were one person in two bodies. I found, behind my eyelids, a small sun & trees that sighed at the speed of my heartbeat. I thought the whole universe was one being in many bodies. coming down was relieving & quite lonely.  when I  get like this I think of us holding hands on a park bench  seventy years  from  now  &  feel  much  lonelier. your favourite trick to reassure me was to say the universe is expiring in a slow heat death. some things we can be certain of at least. I read somewhere that elephants find humans cute. I’ll be sorry if I discover this fact is just a pseudoscience myth. I mean, I’ll be thankful to know the truth.  I  am thankful to know that when trees breathe, they clean the sky. my own existence is not nearly as necessary. when I get  lonely  I  think of your  beard  & how by the end it reminded me of him. how it became impossible to let you touch me. I know this  is  unhelpful.  forgive   me.  some  things   warrant at least an apology. I read somewhere that elephants have excellent memories. they build graves from expiring earth & I’m sorry about that too. how it means they remember their dead long enough to bury. I know wanting to forget.  I know being  grateful I couldn’t.