— after Yao Xiao
three Novembers ago we found a comic that told us if you want to say thank you, don’t say sorry. I have held my breath ever since. the first time I got high I thought we were one person in two bodies. I found, behind my eyelids, a small sun & trees that sighed at the speed of my heartbeat. I thought the whole universe was one being in many bodies. coming down was relieving & quite lonely. when I get like this I think of us holding hands on a park bench seventy years from now & feel much lonelier. your favourite trick to reassure me was to say the universe is expiring in a slow heat death. some things we can be certain of at least. I read somewhere that elephants find humans cute. I’ll be sorry if I discover this fact is just a pseudoscience myth. I mean, I’ll be thankful to know the truth. I am thankful to know that when trees breathe, they clean the sky. my own existence is not nearly as necessary. when I get lonely I think of your beard & how by the end it reminded me of him. how it became impossible to let you touch me. I know this is unhelpful. forgive me. some things warrant at least an apology. I read somewhere that elephants have excellent memories. they build graves from expiring earth & I’m sorry about that too. how it means they remember their dead long enough to bury. I know wanting to forget. I know being grateful I couldn’t.