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— after Yao Xiao


three Novembers ago we found a comic that  told  us if you want to say thank you,  don’t say sorry.  I  have held my breath ever since. the first time I got high I thought we were one person in two bodies. I found, behind my eyelids, a small sun & trees that sighed at the speed of my heartbeat. I thought the whole universe was one being in many bodies. coming down was relieving & quite lonely.  when I  get like this I think of us holding hands on a park bench  seventy years  from  now  &  feel  much  lonelier. your favourite trick to reassure me was to say the universe is expiring in a slow heat death. some things we can be certain of at least. I read somewhere that elephants find humans cute. I’ll be sorry if I discover this fact is just a pseudoscience myth. I mean, I’ll be thankful to know the truth.  I  am thankful to know that when trees breathe, they clean the sky. my own existence is not nearly as necessary. when I get  lonely  I  think of your  beard  & how by the end it reminded me of him. how it became impossible to let you touch me. I know this  is  unhelpful.  forgive   me.  some  things   warrant at least an apology. I read somewhere that elephants have excellent memories. they build graves from expiring earth & I’m sorry about that too. how it means they remember their dead long enough to bury. I know wanting to forget.  I know being  grateful I couldn’t.




Jody Chan is a writer and organizer based in Toronto. They are the poetry editor for Hematopoeisis, a VONA alum, and winner of the 2018 Third Coast Poetry Contest and 2018 St. Lawrence Book Award. Their first chapbook is published with Damaged Goods Press. Their work has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize and is published in BOAAT, Looseleaf Magazine, Nat. Brut, The Shade Journal, and elsewhere. They can be found online at and offline in bookstores or dog parks.

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