after Bhanu Kapil
for my family

{ author’s note } WHO? i interviewed 1^st & 2^nd gen filipino & filipino american nurses RNs for 2-30+ years / ages 20s-60s / majority women // WHERE? they work in NY & CA: hospitals clinics nursing homes // WHAT [am i even reading]? a hybrid piece composed only of direct quotes from their interviews (tho some identifying details have been altered) // WHY? aim: to show the range of perspectives, thoughts, & feelings about what nurses have faced thru this ongoing global pandemic & / how they’re doing now // HOW [process]? i asked a set of questions about their experiences as nurses in general & / more specifically / about what they faced in 2020 at the start of COVID-19 / thru now / they provided written responses / “I did not attempt to “clean up” the roughness or rawness in terms of syntax, grammar, spelling…” 
—Bhanu Kapil (2001) / i did however place line breaks / assemble arrange collage the material  

result: a symphony //

#

I started reading books comics whenever / we have access / movies when I visit / relatives in the city / about wars / nurses tending to wounded soldiers civilians / I find the nurses / heroic / I wanted to work like them / I find working with soldiers and civilians / in a chaotic situation challenging fulfilling / but when I married early had kids / my dream to work in war zones / was put aside / I still wanted to become a nurse / in any field

*

My primary decision to become a nurse: 

tender age of 16

the course had less units in Math
which I dread 

as I was not good at it

*

{but consider this set of equations:}

If working abroad = a dream, improving your status in life

&

nursing = the only practical means to work abroad

&

farming = our main source of livelihood 

then solve for:

myself = a farmer’s daughter 

*

see also:

nursing = easiest “passport” 
to come to the U.S.
to support family in the Phil {1990}

retrospect {2021}: the best ever decision I made in my life
I love what I do

*

{enter: future variable, the next generation}

1. Why did you decide to become a nurse? 

A lot of my family members were nurses / it was always 
an easy choice for me. 

*

Junior year of college / I was not exactly sure what / I wanted to do / but I knew a couple of friends family who were career nurses / Nursing and Filipino culture always seemed to go together / something which represented stability in income security with jobs and 

pride / there was some influence from my family for sure / opportunities for earning potential career advancement / I had second doubts in college but when / I started my nursing clinicals / I knew it was a profession I wanted to be a part of {see: “Body”}

#

{what comes to mind when I say “body?”}

Different parts working together that / without that one part / body could not function as it does so / if one eye is blind / you cannot see / if one leg is missing / then you won’t be able to walk properly I could be thinking

about a body of water 

*

“Body” to me / includes mind body and spirit / I believe it should all be taken care of / holistically for you to work best as a whole / the better all parts of your “body” is / the healthier you become

*

I feel physically and mentally pushed / to my limit / I am only in my twenties and feel / so tired all the time. Even before COVID / I knew what it was like to go home with / a sore back from turning patients being understaffed / feeling tired feet from standing during my twelve-hour shifts / I started to experience / physical symptoms from the mental aspect of things / lost my appetite for food / spent more days in bed than I would like to admit / found myself losing sleep sometimes going two three days running on a few hours and / when I did sleep I / never felt rested always anxious on-edge about something.

*

Body is just / the physical component of a human being that mostly suffers

from any physical assault or diseases / it also integrates the / mental emotional psychological spiritual well being / if these are disturbed / the body suffers 

*

When nurses mentions “BODY” we mean
deceased body

*

Body. I believe it is / the temple of God / He made us into His image so / we can take / care of others continue on His ministry be shepherds / we must take care of it nourish it / so it can be of service to others 

#

the peak of COVID in California / I’ve been a nurse for quite some time experienced many losses but / those couple months of dread every time I walked into work was 

a personal hell 

many of us healthcare workers / almost couldn’t take any longer / it tore my heart / COVID patients that I could do nothing more for

except hold their hand
watch them suffocate 
alone
without their loved ones

It was the most burnt out 
and saddest I’ve ever felt. 

*

A nightmare this past year was a nightmare to me I lost my partner to COVID saw friends acquaintances died because of COVID its like a war 
not knowing who 

our enemies are 

*

It was those times when / I was taking care of COVID patients / seeing them talking alert / and witnessing them deteriorate so fast / in a matter of hours / getting them intubated and dying the same night the next day without / family around to visit or say 

goodbye 

how you felt helpless / not able
to help them 

how so overwhelm you were taking care of many patients how your anxiety is over the roof that / you might contract COVID bring it to / your family 

*

2021. Realizing it had been a little over a year since COVID affected my hospital 

to put it in perspective my place of employment / was one of the hardest hit areas in the United States 

scrolling through my Facebook feed during my break / “1 year later” memories appeared on my timeline / I realized all the time that had passed / since the craziness first started / a wave of mixed emotions running through me / How much I grew How things feel so different to then / How it continues to rage on 

despite all the time that has passed.

*

Nurses’ Professional Ethics: to put aside everything to be able to give quality care to patients / it is not about what u want where / it gives you the easy way / but to put the patients’ needs first and foremost.

#

{ What got you through // 

The first few months of COVID / didn’t even feel real 

just utter fear everywhere /////////

I was a mess during the first initial months / the uncertainty and despair were tough / I saw the mental toll it was taking on me //////////

My partner / My partner passed away / I got sick too / I was alone / in total lockdown / didn’t work for 8 weeks

*

but knowing other friends colleagues that were going through / the same thing I / was going through helped a lot / I also leaned on my family / even though I couldn’t see them / I tried my hardest to leave work at work / to use the time of quarantine to look inside myself how I could care for my mind and emotions through this / I worked out every day read books that could / transport my mind elsewhere meditated did a lot of yoga to clear / my mind 

*

…I think / the initial public perception of “healthcare heroes” pushed me / a lot of my coworkers / into thinking it was time / (for better or for worse…) / to step up to the plate and fulfill our / obligation to the public I / thought about how every step and experience in nursing had led 

to this moment 

/ nurses from around the country coming in / the military arrived / but I think I really found comfort in knowing that I was not alone / that my coworkers were beside me / we felt like it was our job to keep / pushing / tried to accept that everything 

passes in time

*

1) Maybe my dedication to my vocation
knowing that if I don’t do it
who would? 

2) My faith of God that He 
will take care of me while I take
care of His people that I am 
His hands doing His work on earth
that this will pass, and we will all be 
okay

*

What got me through / was to pray to God and cling to Him to keep me sane strong protect me 

from all the elements 

*

My strong faith in God that He / has unwavering love for human kind this 
alone 
was enough to keep me going

*

Family Friends the church and co-workers helped me though / I constantly received calls and text messages with words / of comfort / Family and Friends dropping food and other basic necessities at my door some / sent financial support / the church / continuously there with me / c0workers working on my days off so I could avail whatever days off / I need / I was grateful

To everybody

#

{LOSE?} / I had lost / a few friends / as the pandemic / raged on / one was friend from college / died of a drug overdose another friend / an RA when I lived in the dorms another / was a friend who had just finished his nursing degree / as a second career / my old childhood doctor / also passed on I // I // obviously I lost my partner my / second job I / no longer have the confidence / that I / am healthy enough / I have constant fear I / might get sick I’m / emotionally a little unstable at this time //////////// LOSE? / a. the opportunity to travel to see family abroad / b. friends who retired due to Covid / some died some left the workplace I /// I /// lost people close to me /// loved ones and friends from COVID / relatives dear friends / I feel / sad.  

{GAIN?} / it’s countless but / to name a few it’s / keeping the faith in God / not to waver despite all the sorrowful events that befell us / being able to / make a difference in the life of some patients who / unfortunately do not have / families / just merely engaging them in casual conversations is something / they look forward to / gives them an opportunity to feel they have / family / in us ///// I’m thankful again to family friends the church they’re really / helping me overcome my emotional issues / though I haven’t spoken about what I’m going thru they’re / helping in many ways // I // I had gained some new friends along the way as well / some had served as mentors reminded me of all / the opportunities outside / the only nursing job I had worked / I guess I felt ‘stuck’ / but seeing them leave their old jobs reminded me that 

this 

is not where my nursing career has to end ////// GAIN? a. Self-introspection – that we must enjoy life because / we don’t know what lies ahead / b. Caring Character – that we must / take care of one another / c. patience – that this situation will pass… // I /// have gained so much / a better understanding of myself / what really matters in life.

{UNSURE?} / I am unsure of where I am / in my life right now / I had initially planned to move out but the pandemic / made me think about my family I decided / to stay home save money / I do not know / if I am at a point / where I should change

jobs or focus on improving my life outside of work I know / I have some mental things to work out / but I also think my current job lifestyle contribute / to the mental state which I am desperately trying to improve ///////////////////// What am I unsure of? / Nursing is very multidiscipline and covers different specialties / It’s common to encounter things you / are not unsure of most especially if that is not / your specialty so / for the safety of the patient if / you are faced with issues you are unsure of it’s / always a good idea to ask questions / clarify / before you do anything ///// 

>unsure of? / what the future brings… //// this Covid pandemic brought about the uncertainty of the future we / are still feeling the effects 

even after more than a year. 

#

healthy living no suffering no hatred no pain world peace ///////// just having peace of mind is enough / to bring me joy / and rest / being able to take care of the sick and bring a smile to their faces but ultimately / it’s just knowing / the endless 

blessings God provides us everyday ///////// JOY / a. I was able to help patients get well / b. seeing my family friends alive and well /////// my family brings me joy / I feel secure and happy when we are all together do things together ////// REST / a. reading relaxing on my days off / connecting with family friends /////////////// Joy for me is being present in the simple blessings of life to / appreciate what God’s created //// One of the things COVID taught me was seeing / how much we used to take for granted ///// being in nature traveling the world spending time with the people you love //// I remember I felt joy at seeing all these / agency nurses from all over the U.S. who / decided to join us for the time being I enjoyed / walking through the park and seeing / people spending more time as families being happy / at least in that moment / people were still 

trying to live life to the fullest. 

#

I will live 
one day at a time 
each
day like it’s my last 
Savoring the present not worrying
about tomorrow.

*

For now / I’m going to soldier on 

but

I’m seeing someone / to try and work on the mental side of things / I think I / always had some form of underlying depression but / haven’t sought treatment until the pandemic affected me / I’m trying 

to live

healthier get back into habits and hobbies which make me / happy / trying / to remember not everything revolves around work / make time to see people I care about / it helps knowing my family significant other support me but / there are days I just want to turn it all 

off

let it end

I know 
it sounds a little / dramatic but I know at the end of the day / I just have to keep pushing 

forward 

hoping / collectively we can turn the tide against COVID 

*

one day at a time make
the most of it enjoy
life 
your family friends be 
contented
with what you have regardless 

we are not guaranteed of what is next to come.

*

Although there are families nearby / around / I’m basically living 

alone

I’m trying / to find a second job to distract me I have / difficulty moving on I feel / dragged back by this virus this virus

really got me

#

{what /do you want people to know?}

Nursing / is a multi-tasking job / you not only help the sick get better but / you also do a lot of educating explaining to them / the why’s and causes of their disease / teach them ways to / prevent them from getting sick again 

how to take their medications / what side effects to watch for / proper diet instructions that concerns 

their well being 

*

I want people to know / that in light of the Covid Pandemic / we need to follow directives from authorities / these are not directives to 

control others 

or to 
curtail freedom 

but to save us 
from the dreaded Pandemic it’s been

more than a year 
and it is still around

*

I guess I want people to know / how bad of a response we initially had / especially from the federal government how / not only Trump but also leaders like Cuomo / have failed us in their own ways / how the public discussion has shifted from ‘healthcare heroes’ to ‘infringing on rights’ I want people to know

how burnt out some healthcare workers feel how they will most likely need some form / of mass therapy / for people in healthcare and other industries 

At the end of the day I really have to look
ask 
“Am I my brothers’ keeper?”

*

What do I want people to know? 

Again / based on my experience

I’m not sure how to answer this 

because I myself have difficulty coping from my loss / what I’d been though 

But I still want to advise the others 

not

to lose hope 

seek help 
according to their need 

It might help them move on 

*

life is full 
of uncertainty 

but

at the end of the day its
up to us

how we choose to live it.

//

QUESTIONS 

1. Why did you decide to become a nurse? 
2. Describe a moment from this past year that stands out to you. 
3. What got you through those first few months of COVID?
4. What comes to mind when I say: “body?” 
5. What brings you joy and/or rest?  
6. What did you lose? What did you gain? What are you unsure of?
7. How will you live now?
8. What do you want people to know?

//

{thank you to the nurses who made this piece possible: for their honesty & openness, sharing their stories with me & others & / above all / for their compassion & care in their line of work}