‘I relinquish / the greatest thing I have / for my greatest wish. / I turn into sea foam. / I learn nothing / ceases to exist’
September 1, 2015
He puts his hand
on the glass.
The shower fills
with steam.
He disappears.
Tracing the imprint,
I feel him
slick back my hair.
Then he enters
a finger somewhere
I can’t describe.
I watch myself
unwind like a snake
in the mirror.
Each layer
of skin
slides off.
I crawl into the exteriors
of my former self,
my derma
of unwanted pleasures.
They smell
like someone else—
an afternoon
so ordinary
until it isn’t.
*
I write his name
on a sheet of paper.
Like my heart,
I fold it in half,
set it in the center
of a mixing bowl—
lavender, quartz,
feathers I pluck
off a headless pigeon
at the park
by my mother’s
tailoring shop—
With a kitchen knife,
I summon blood
to the surface
of my left palm.
Love line, life line,
tell me what this means:
I clench my fist and squeeze
the ichor over the dead
flowers, the white rocks
and plume,
my collapsed organ.
I strike a match,
its violet hunger
mauling the contents
of a child’s unadulterated rage,
its magic.
To vanquish my father
forever, I whisper the words
into the pyre.
Good-bye.
I bury his ash
in the garden.
Good-bye.
I wait a season.
Good-bye.
Winter to spring.
Good-bye.
Then summer.
Nothing blooms
where I keep him.
Not the hoa lan or birds
of paradise choking
the encroaching fern.
Except me,
he still kills
everything.
*
I fill the tub
with water.
It overflows.
Soapsuds
slosh across
the floor.
I braid
my scarlet hair
in the fleeting light,
emerald tail
splashing against
the waves.
I give my voice
to a sea witch
to enter
the mortal world,
pretty universe
shimmering
with song
and pent up men
who love
me
like my father.
They hurt me,
and I say nothing.
I relinquish
the greatest thing I have
for my greatest wish.
I turn into sea foam.
I learn nothing
ceases to exist—
only shape shift,
metamorphosis.
I lie on my back.
In the bath,
I drain
everything.
I wipe myself clean.
On the mirror,
I draw a child-
heart.
I turn off
the lights.
I walk naked
into the next
room.