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A (2012) Midsummer History Lesson

It’s the year 2352, and the Walrusoids are at it again, speculating over divorce, SB 1070, some tall Asian guy named Jeremy Lin, and movie theater masturbation.

By Negin Farsad

It’s the future. The year 2352. A group of Walrusoids control the planet.

Oh, just to catch you up to speed, the Walrusoids are a walrus-robot species that took over the world just after computers became self-aware. Computers were widely predicted to take human form. But, computers, always one step ahead of those humans, preferred the curvature of a walrus’s form. The walruses didn’t put up much of a fight—once you get those fat fucks to shore, they’re pretty easy to subdue. The Walrusoid population has been comfortably in power since 2200, and with that power, they’ve done a lot of things. One of their greater achievements? Getting rid of the FDR Drive and making it an extended shore for Walrusoids to roll around on.

Right now, they’re in the throes of some hefty filing reorganization. Humans left an insane paper trail! Christ, those humans were such hoarders! Throughout the process, the Walrusoids are labeling, color-coding, and looking back on human history while laughing their asses off. Well, they don’t really have asses, they have vague behind areas. Don’t judge, they’re very sensitive about their physique.

Today’s search revealed the stupidest shit. In July 2012—which is like, forever ago when people used “smartphones” that were actually dumb—everyone on the planet was obsessed with one of Hollywood’s “power couples”: Tom Cruise, a hot, short, and potentially gay man, was failing at his marriage to Katie Holmes, a woman known as Dawson’s best friend. Cruise and Holmes were in the news because they dared to GET A DIVORCE. The Walrusoids laugh at this because matrimony had been banned immediately after their ascendency. Marriage was utterly unsustainable to them. Some Walrusoids snore, others don’t; some Walrusoids put the toilet seat up, others don’t… Ugh, Walrusoid monogamy was just a shit show. Cruise was also part of a religion called Scientology, which the Walrusoids now call “The Truth.” You see, by 2352, humanity finds out that the Scientologists were right: humans DO have alien matter in their buttholes! That alien matter was what the computers finally needed to become self-aware and take over, so kudos to the Scientologists! They were very in touch with the universal truth that lies in humanity’s buttholes.


The Walrusoids also learned that around this time humans were broken up into different “ethnic groups.” This was puzzling to the Walrusoids because by the year 2200, the world’s population had intermixed and all of humanity had become a lovely shade of brown. But in 2012, fearmongering about national borders and “racial” and “ethnic” differences had spurred on a lot of poopy lawmaking. Among them was a bill in Arizona called SB1070 where police officers could stop what they called “Mexicans” and other suspicious-looking people who might not be Mexican but may as well be Mexican, and force them to show their papers. Mexican humans and non-Mexican humans were angry about the law because it turned some police officers into real assholes. The bill went all the way up to the Supreme Court, who delivered a very confusing ruling that amounted to “we don’t really like the Mexicans, but we love quesadillas.” The nine Supreme Court justices then went on a Taco Bell run.


What people apparently prized above all else was the underdog story of an Asian man who was good at sports. This man was Jeremy Lin, and his sport involved throwing balls in a hoop that was out of range for short people. He was VERY GOOD at throwing balls in a hoop that was out of range for short people. In fact, he was the first professional player of Taiwanese decent on the New York Knicks to throw balls in a hoop that was out of range for short people. He was so good that the people of New York embarked on a three-month-long period of “Linsanity” in which they screamed and shouted, raped and pillaged, bludgeoned and murdered… oh wait, wrong file. Apparently there was no raping or murdering, just lots of humans cheering in delight every time Lin “scored a point.”

But July 2012 saw the horrible downfall of Linsanity as that weirdly tall Asian hero went down south to play for the Houston Rockets. His decision had something to do with boatloads of money. The New York Knicks were left to find other people who were good at throwing balls in a hoop that was out of range for short people.

(Paul Heaston)

The Walrusoids have noticed on many occasions that human history repeats itself. Case in point: famous people masturbating in a public setting. One of these humans, Fred Willard, was known as the consummate comic actor. But by summer 2012, his reputation fell squarely on his penis, a penis that he lovingly held at an adult movie theatre. What’s strange to the Walrusoids, who have the art of masturbation down to a single fin stroke, is that Willard didn’t just go home and masturbate to the internet’s offerings like a typical person, he went to a movie theatre. But maybe he was keeping the torch of lewd and public acts alive, one Pee-wee Herman and George Michael had worked hard to preserve for him. And for the Walrusoids, a commitment to tradition is honorable, penis or no penis.