Editor’s Note: The following introduction is part of a notebook Queer Time, co-edited by Ta-wei Chi and Ariel Chu, which gathers contemporary queer Taiwanese literature in translation. To read the full Queer Time collection, visit its home here.

Click to read Jenna Tang’s English translation

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大雄的身體

總是有些人會說：
這是我的。 
我　沒有什麼是我的，
某天我曾驕傲的說。 
現今我知道沒有就意味著 
沒有。 
同樣我們甚至連個名字都沒有。 
並且知曉有時候我們必須得去借一個。
您可以給我一個眺望的地方。
在海的那方遺忘我吧。 
我祝您幸福與健康。

大雄對準電影畫面按下遙控器的暫停按鈕，螢幕迅速發出嗶的聲響。閉上雙眼，將身體投入沙發中央，整間房子又回到一片寂靜。

她隱約覺得有流水聲。

河岸婚禮的流水，緩緩地流著，流出電視螢幕。水漫窄屋。河流流向她的身體，浸潤她的肉身和胸前柔軟的乳房。忽然她感到陣陣刺痛，不曉得從哪裡傳出燒焦味，她摸著自己的乳房下緣，開始是一滴兩滴，後來大片的艷紅的血，止不住從身體裡流出，原先的河流流水都被染成朱紅色。

大雄痛得想放聲大叫時，睡在一旁女友的手機鬧鈴比她提早一秒無腦地放聲唱歌。旋轉跳躍我不停歇⋯⋯

「又做惡夢？」

「嗯⋯⋯」

「就跟你說睡前不要看那麼苦悶的電影，還好妳今天休假不用上班。」

女友和自己喜歡的事情實在不一樣。

她喜歡安靜，女友喜歡熱鬧。她愛看電影，女友喜歡跑KTV。她喜歡牙刷牙膏浴巾洗面乳擺整齊，女友只是卸妝洗臉，整間浴室卻像颱風過境。她下班喜歡返家休息，週末偶爾去咖啡廳放鬆，女友喜歡跑夜店玩社群交友，還會突然點鹹酥雞外送，聊天到半夜三點才肯睡覺。

大呼小叫，過年放鞭炮一樣，女友終於出門了。

她慢慢收拾披掛在客廳沙發的女用浴帽，針織罩衫還有掉落在沙發縫隙的單側耳環。長長的垂式耳環，瀑布一樣閃著銀白色的流光。她把耳環輕輕捧在手掌心，用手指順著耳墜的紋理，撫摸裡面藏匿的細小水鑽，與女友第一次貼身擁抱時，像是風鈴羽毛拂過臉頰，柔順之中又有看不見的什麼微微刺痛皮膚。

原來是鑽石。

耳墜被大雄輕輕繞圈，成為一條安靜躺在飾品盒子裡的白蛇。

關上抽屜的時候，她看見飾品盒下方多出一本硬殼日記本。

家裡現在除了自己以外誰也不在。怎麼辦呢？她拿起日記本正反面檢查確認，明顯存在使用過的痕跡。那個成天吵鬧的傢伙，難道也會寫日記。捏著本子邊緣，她本想若無其事放回原位，卻一陣手滑。

摔落地板的日記本，自側面吐出一張又一張長型紙片。

七月一日，紅茶拿鐵。七月十日，紅茶拿鐵。七月三十日，紅茶拿鐵。無數張相同飲品的飲料點單，從七月初開始斷斷續續存積至十二月，將近半年。

她看見女友的字跡寫著：某個夏日。後面還畫上一顆愛心。

大雄有些激動地撿起那堆紙片，又深怕雙手按出摺痕，深呼吸後隨意用指甲將一堆票紙推入日記本的某個頁面，放回抽屜底部，用飾品盒子壓住。假裝什麼都沒有發生。

*

女友是愛她的嗎？

交往很久後的某天，她們終於身體對身體坦誠相見。黑暗中，女友費盡千辛萬苦脫去大雄的上衣，摸一摸，狐疑地說怎麼下面好像有三個肚臍。她一陣尷尬。束胸時間太久，外出有幾個小時，胸部就被往下壓住幾個小時。她的乳房往下垂，盪鞦韆，最後決意往地表定居，再沒有回到本來的位置。

三十歲才第一次談戀愛，已經很不容易。大雄在心裡想著。

她參加過網路社團或同志聯誼活動，女生運動愛好社、手拉手聯誼舞會、拉子交友app甚至老歐蕾同好會，從免費到會員繳費，她都去過也試過了。總是有幾個初見禮貌客氣的圈內人，笑著跟她說歡迎請進，但聚會尾聲，隨著咖啡店或舞廳轉換輕柔的音樂，她心儀的女孩的Line對話視窗就像關店後的Wifi密碼，再也連不上。

不知道什麼時候有人喊了芝麻關門。

她夢想中的寶藏女孩，就此沉沉睡去。

「交往週年的紀念日，去海邊吧。」女友傳來手機語音訊息。

大雄想像得到對方從衣櫃拿出成套的粉紅色比基尼，把墨鏡架在頭頂做出遠眺的姿勢，還擺出打沙灘排球的預備動作。

看到女友提議去海邊，大雄堅決抗拒。

這簡直是要大雄的命。

「去山上吧。」大雄回覆。

「爬山有益健康，還能呼吸新鮮空氣。」大雄又再補上一條訊息。

包緊緊，安全感十足。

沒有共識的兩人，那陣子不但睡前不聊天了，還總是背對背睡去。

睡著的夢裡，那時候女友還不是女友，但大雄已經是大雄。

當初大雄去飲料店應徵打工生，看見身形高壯的女店長揮動結實雙臂走到門口，注視自己額頭上的厚重齊瀏海許久，笑咪咪的指著胸前的名牌說：我叫王技安。叫我技安就可以。我們店裡還有靜香，小夫，王聰明，接著指向店內後方三個正在煮茶跟煮粉圓的女生。「好了，歡迎妳加入我們。小叮噹茶飲店，全員到齊。」技安興奮地把寫著「大雄」的名牌別在大雄的胸前。

*

大雄就是從那天開始成為大雄的。

茶飲店靠近學校跟捷運站，下午四五點是最悠閒的時候，學生跟上班族的午茶都送完，又還沒到晚餐時間。沒什麼客人。大家窩在店內，靠著角落天南地北瞎聊。

大雄一邊攪拌煮粉圓的鍋爐，一邊跟小夫聊起中學時期的宿舍生活。

「我們同寢室幾個女生被安排打掃教官宿舍，結果在抽屜的公文簿夾層裡面搜出一排保險套。那時大家對性都很好奇。音樂班一個嘴巴很大的女生，把保險套當氣球吹。哎呀我的媽呀，我還記得，她大叫好油，為什麼會這麼油，油油黏黏的。但是，她看起來很開心，嘴巴張得比平常吹樂器還大，大口朝內裡不斷吹氣。沒想到那些保險套很快就變成校慶時的那些氣球。」

「哎唷我不敢聽了。好色喔，你們這些年輕人，趕快再多說一點啦。」小夫奪過大雄手中的攪拌棒，幫忙攪起粉圓。

「也有點像童玩吹泡泡那樣，所有女生在宿舍把吹出來的泡泡用手掌心頂過來，又頂過去。大家都玩得很開心。可是啊⋯⋯」

「可是什麼，趕快說。」小夫竊笑。

「為什麼教官會需要在值班室放保險套呢，他不是有家庭嗎？印象中他有太太跟一個讀小學的女兒。每週也只有一天需要輪班住在學校。⋯⋯嗯，而且，總是很晚來，很早起。」大雄回憶中學時期的宿舍，雖不是男女混宿，不過男生與女生的住房，也只相隔一塊中庭空地，除了午夜時分會象徵性關上一道鐵門，除此之外，沒有任何圍牆的遮擋。

大家忙著吹泡泡，頂泡泡，玩泡泡。在泡泡裡從十七歲來到十八歲。

「我高中的時候就想做胸部。」小夫在大雄耳邊低聲嘿嘿笑了兩聲，

她們一起合力抬起粉圓大鍋，加入冰水沖洗。兩個人靠得很近，大雄發現小夫皮膚白皙但是下巴跟嘴角邊緣的鬍渣好密集。一時看得太專注差點接不上話題。

「人家都說有鬍子才是美女。」大雄慌忙回應。

「哎呀，我們新來的，識貨，眼光真好喔。等我存夠錢，我下面也可以去做了，動手術真的好燒錢喔。」小夫眨眨眼睛笑了。

大雄把視線往下移動，看向小夫的褲襠拉鍊。一座小山隱約起伏。再恍然抬頭看回小夫身體前方晶巧渾圓如同鮮奶饅頭的胸部。

「跟你講，我就是心急。太早做了。現在其他人都能做水滴型啊，哪像我這兩顆，每天洗完澡都要好好按摩耶，不然硬得跟石頭一樣。哭哭。」小夫把粉圓挖起，一勺一勺加入已調好的黑糖水。

「你的可以借我摸一下嗎？」還沒等大雄同意，小夫的手已伸進裡面的裡面。

「齁唷，人家就是想要這種的啦。好軟喔，好Q喔。」

這時，技安跟王聰明也走了進來，他們指著大雄跟小夫哈哈大笑。大雄覺得自己跟小夫還沒有那麼相熟，而且被人這樣摸揉。真的不自在。可是，大家都在笑。技安、王聰明、小夫都好開心的樣子，包括後來拉開布簾的靜香。大家都哈哈哈地笑著。大雄不知道該怎麼辦，她也只好跟著笑。哈哈、哈哈，生硬發出兩次笑聲。

「好啦，跟你開玩笑。我去前面準備客人要的波霸鮮奶茶。」小夫提著又香又熱的粉圓桶，走向茶飲店的外場製作區。

看著小夫跟王聰明纖細的背影，那是大雄夢想中的理想模樣。

學生時期，那麼多的王聰明，高瘦挺拔，在籃球場上奔馳。相較球類運動，偏偏自己只擅長田徑。家裡不讓她剪短髮，只好把長髮高高綁起，一串馬尾在後腦勺擺來擺去，打著令人不悅的節奏。

比起考試，她更恐懼每個長假或春節的到來。每次返家的深夜裡，曬在陽台的網購束胸不只一次被早醒的母親剪碎丟在垃圾桶，說這種阿撒布魯的東西影響發育，做女人有什麼好丟臉，又不是生妳胸大無腦，多少人想要傲人雙峰還不懂珍惜⋯⋯邊說邊把菜市場買回的幾件黃色蕾絲胸罩塞進返回宿舍的行李袋。

*

「欸，你們大家快看，三顆球在跑。」

「有E奶嗎？」

「你好壞喔，怎麼可以這樣說，那也太瞧不起她的實力了吧。依我看來，至少G奶。」

「GG？」

「哈哈哈⋯⋯我要笑死了。」

眾人站在司令台後方的廣播室，你一言我一語。聲音從未關上的麥克風傳出，跟比賽的名次一同飄盪在校園的各個角落，最後落在大雄的心底。她躲進女廁的工具間，跟掃把水桶坐在一起。

她自認沒有得罪過那些同學，平常在學校合作社或體育館遇見也會打招呼。難道只是因為沒有幫班上拿下任何獎盃，還是什麼其他原因。

「聽說她不喜歡男生？」

「那她可以⋯⋯。」

「自摸。」

「啊，我胡了！」

廁所外的走廊像是開了一場熱鬧派對，水聲、腳步聲、笑鬧聲夾雜運動過後的汗水，整個空間潮濕悶熱。

從未被陽光曬乾的水桶，發出極濃的悶臭味，大雄被熏得眼淚直流，只能用運動衫的邊緣擦拭疼痛的雙眼。

*

大雄沒有告訴世界上其他人，自己曾站在以為空無一人的教官寢室外的水溝邊，腳底下是泥土地和零星煙蒂，老式窗花閃著電視螢幕放射出來的光，電影百變金剛裡面的小虎褪下短褲正要如廁，周星馳也正要按下遙控器讓他飛去月球的那一刻，背對窗花而坐的教官，半身微微傾斜，左手忽然無力垂落下來，另一側的身子卻激動地抖著。

一件熟悉的黃色蕾絲胸罩，在卡其色長褲的雙腿間晃過。

音樂班那個嘴巴很大的女生，坐在教官跟電視機中間吹泡泡。

一下低頭，一下抬頭。

然後，泡泡好像破掉了。教官像電影裡的小虎一樣從喉嚨深處叫出聲音。

大學放榜的隔天，大雄在小鎮上的傳統美容院剪去一頭長髮，提著厚重的齊瀏海短髮跟兩卡大皮箱往客運站移動。

去台北。

只要去台北，一切都會變好吧。

她曾經在社群網站的醫美廣告頁面看見幾個胸前一片平坦的T。寬闊的肩膀，敞開的素色襯衫，露出毫無疤痕的身體。

「只要存夠錢，這一切就不是難事。只要存夠錢，惡夢就能變成美夢。變帥，變帥，變帥吧。」大雄在一路向北的高速公路上，打開手機備忘錄，寫下成年後的第一個心願。

不曉得小叮噹會不會完成所有人的夢想，但大雄確實把希望都寄託在小叮噹茶飲店。除了三餐伙食費，摩托車加油錢，房租水電網路手機費，其餘能省則省。她已經好久沒有購買新衣，即使百貨公司週年慶或商場打折跳樓大拍賣。大雄夏天永遠穿著最平價的寬大運動衫，冬天穿公司提供的羽絨運動服，外套背後有鮮豔童趣的轉印字體：小叮噹茶飲店。

*

城市的生活跟小鎮很不同，小鎮打烊的時間，城市才要開張營業。大雄覺得自己的身體掉進一個時差的洞穴。收店後的深夜，王聰明騎車載著靜香離開，技安跟小夫要去吃乾杯列車烤肉宵夜，獨留大雄一人收拾清點跟鎖門。她整理單據營業額，做垃圾分類，把技安的店當成自己的一樣用心照顧。

一杯又一杯的紅茶拿鐵，好像哆啦A夢裡的樵夫之泉，乳色的泉水不斷湧出。她記得這時如果有東西掉進泉水裡，女神就會出現。按照故事的指示，千萬不能說謊，如果說了實話，女神就會餽贈一個更好、更新的東西。

「紅茶拿鐵，半糖少冰，謝謝。」一條閃著銀白色流光的垂式耳環，隨女孩的長髮擺動若隱若現，像流星，有一種浪漫朦朧的氣氛，滲透大雄的世界。

「我們已經打烊了。」大雄指著已關閉電源的點餐系統。

「你喜歡喝飲料就在這裡工作嗎？」那是女友第一次開口和大雄聊天。

「我存錢，有時候也會跑外送。外送加全勤可以多十趴獎金。」大雄說。

「存那麼多錢幹嘛？我看你的手機好舊，螢幕還裂開。」女孩伸出手，指了指大雄掛在胸前的手機。

大雄本來不願意多說，但想想又覺得對方只是陌生人，也無關緊要。

「我要存錢做平胸手術。」如此流利的回應連大雄自己也嚇一跳。

「為什麼？你這樣很好啊。你看，像我這樣都被叫貧乳。咻⋯⋯起飛囉！」女孩一派輕鬆地做出飛機起飛的造型手勢。

大雄忍不住笑了。

*

深夜的冬雨裡，整間小叮噹茶飲店就像被浸泡在樵夫之泉裡，大雄覺得自己靠在收銀台旁聽雨聲跟女神聊天。

那夜，大雄不只把飲料賣出去，把自己的心也賣出去了。

「免費。不收妳的錢。」她打開冰櫃，按照比例調配一杯半糖少冰的紅茶拿鐵放在櫃檯窗口。

女孩跟大雄拿出手機搖一搖，加入對方的通訊帳號。

「謝謝。妳不要忍乳負重。太辛苦的話，我可以幫忙。」女孩傳來訊息。

「謝謝。妳也不要膀弱無人，我們這裡不外借廁所。」大雄回覆短訊。

女友終於來到自己租屋處的夜晚，正值寒流季節，整座城市持續被冬雨籠罩。雨聲沒有改變任何親密接觸的指數，性的進度幾乎是零，卻是大雄感到最火熱的一晚。

出租的小公寓沒有暖氣，也沒有烘被機，大雄用自己的肉身緊緊環抱女友冷得發抖的身體。

女友說，好溫暖啊。也緊緊握住大雄的雙手。

外面的氣溫逐漸下降，十度、九度、八度、七度。

世界安靜下來，小女孩在溫暖巨大的犬隻的擁抱裡，安心的睡著了。

從此，大雄更喜歡冬天。

*

大雄有了女友，逐漸減少茶飲店的打工排班。有時還會睡過頭忘記打工時間，直到技安狂打手機或小夫衝到家裡按門鈴，才揉揉惺忪睡眼，換上制服準備去店裡開工。

冬日裡的睡意是曖昧的情人，來來回回召喚，折磨精神意志。

無數次按掉鬧鐘以後，從軟和的棉被內鑽出，大雄已無時間潔牙洗臉，腳步踉蹌走向臥室後方的小陽台，打算收一些早已曬乾的衣服。

那件黑色萊卡材質，接縫邊緣有著強力魔鬼氈的束胸，角落生物似的掛在曬衣夾的邊際。隨著大風吹來，不斷往天空傾斜搖擺。

大雄墊起腳尖，伸長了手臂，如同往常想一把抓住。

一陣更猛烈的大風吹來，束胸旋轉了幾圈，從大雄的指縫間溜走。

那件束胸很快溜出陽台外的天空。愈飛愈高，愈飛愈遠，被吹到大雄視線無法觸及的地方。

黑色的束胸被黑色的夜吞吃。

大雄站在陽台發愣，不知道該如何是好。

等到回過神來，她突然大口喘氣，整個人跌坐在狹窄的陽台通道，像是一個在水底憋氣練習過久而極度缺氧的潛水者。

黑色吃掉大雄的衣服，也吃掉大雄的身體。遠遠望去，唯有小叮噹茶飲店的造型招牌像一個沒有邊界的白色口袋，在四次元的世界裡，要多大有多大，要多小有多小，放著無止盡的亮光。

大雄忽然覺得好冷。

她回到浴室抓起蓮蓬頭打開熱水，快速脫去所有衣褲，讓熱水沖向身體。按下沐浴乳，搓出綿密泡泡往身上抹。一圈又一圈的泡泡在身上漫開。

大雄將雙手放回身體前方，緩緩地清洗著自己的乳房。白皙的皮膚發燙起來，乳頭也受到熱水的刺激有些發紅微脹。

三十歲正式來臨之前，大雄終於第一次撫摸了自己的身體。

 

---

NOBI NOBITA’S BODY

By Leah Yang 楊隸亞

Trans. Jenna Tang

TRANSLATOR’S NOTE

    “Nobi Nobita’s Body” references an all-time popular cartoon in Taiwan: the Doraemon series. Most of the characters in this short story, such as Nobita, Gian, Suneo, and Shizuka, are named after the show’s characters. The cartoon focuses on Doraemon, a robot cat who emerges out of Nobita’s desk drawer from the 22nd century, bearing extremely advanced technological tools. Doraemon lends his help after Nobita’s future grandson requests that he try to make Nobita’s life easier.

    In the cartoon, Nobita is a boy who’s often being bullied, while Gian is known as a gigantic bullying kid, with Suneo staying constantly at his side. Shizuka is an obedient, adorable girl. 

In this story, the protagonist Nobita uses she/her pronouns.

Content warning: One of the scenes in the story contains sexual assault. 

There are always ones who would say, 
This is Mine. 
I once said proudly,
For me, there’s nothing that’s really mine. 
Nowadays, I know nothing means 
Nothing.
We don’t even have a name.
And sometimes we have to borrow one.
You can guide me to a place where I can observe everything from above.
Forget me on the other side of the ocean.
I wish you happiness and health.

––Theo Angelopoulos, The Suspended Step of the Stork

Nobita pressed the pause button on her remote control at the movie on the screen, and the remote responded with a beep right away. Closing her eyes, she threw her body onto the sofa. The entire house returned to a complete silence.

She sensed an indistinct sound of running water.

The running water of the movie’s riverside wedding slowly flowed out of her TV screen. The water found its path around the room and gradually flooded the house. The river drifted toward her body, wetting her flesh and soft breasts. And then she felt throes of pain, and a burning smell from nowhere. She traced and touched her lower breasts: at first there was only a drop or two, and then big patches of bright red blood flowed out from her body ceaselessly. The water in the river was suddenly dyed scarlet red.

A second before Nobita could shout from pain, her girlfriend’s phone alarm noisily and inconsiderately sang out: 旋轉，跳躍… 我不停歇…

“Nightmares again?”

“Yup…”

“I told you not to watch that gloomy movie before bed. It’s good that you have your day off.”

Her girlfriend enjoyed very different things from her.

She enjoyed quietness, while her girlfriend embraced vibrancy and noise; she loved watching movies, but her girlfriend preferred going to KTVs; she usually had her toothbrush, toothpaste, bath towel, and face wash lined up properly, but all her girlfriend did was remove her makeup and simply rinse her face. Whenever her girlfriend finished using the bathroom, it was like a typhoon had swooned by. When Nobita got off work, she liked resting at home, occasionally going to a coffee shop over the weekend to relax, but her girlfriend preferred going to nightclubs and making friends on her apps. Sometimes, out of nowhere, she would order popcorn chicken delivery, chatting with someone past 3 AM before she went to sleep.

Shouting, groaning, and sighing, noisy as firecrackers on Lunar New Year, her girlfriend finally headed out.

Nobita slowly picked up the shower cap and knitted blouse draped over the sofa in the living room, fishing out a single earring hoop that had fallen into the sofa gap. It was a long teardrop hoop, glittering with silvery white light like a waterfall. She held the earring gently in her palm, tracing the pattern of the accessory with her fingers, touching the tiny hidden rhinestone. She recalled the first time she’d given her girlfriend a hug; it was as though a feather hanging from a Japanese wind chime had brushed past her cheek. With such smoothness, she hadn’t been able to spot what had been faintly prickling her skin.

It turned out that they were diamonds. 

Nobita circled the teardrop earrings with her fingers and quietly laid them down in the accessory box, where they looked like white snakes.

When she closed the drawer, she saw that under the box lay a hardcover notebook.

There was nobody in the house but herself. What could she do? She picked up the notebook and checked the front and the back, seeing the traces of how often it had been used. That noisy little brat, she even kept a diary? Pinching the corner of the notebook, she thought about putting it back as if nothing had happened, but her hand slipped.

The diary fell on the floor, and long, crisp papers poked out from its side:

July first, black tea latte; July tenth, black tea latte; July thirteenth, black tea latte. 

She found a good number of papers with the same drink order. The list started from the beginning of July, accumulating with fragmented intervals but lasting all the way to December. It had been almost half a year.

She saw her girlfriend’s handwriting: That Summer. She had added a hand-drawn heart at the end.

Emotional, Nobita picked up all of the crisp papers at the same time, afraid that her hands would leave indentations on them. She took a deep breath and used her fingernails to press all the receipts back between pages in the notebook, and then pushed the notebook back to the bottom of the drawer. She used the accessory box to press the top down and make it look like nothing had ever happened.

*

Did her girlfriend really love her?

After they had been dating for a while, they had finally faced each other, body to body. In the dark, it had taken some effort from her girlfriend to take off her clothes. She had smoothed over Nobita with her hand and asked suspiciously why Nobita seemed to have three navels down there. Nobita had turned awkward. She had been wearing the binder for too long. Her breasts had been flattened for as long as she had been out of her apartment. They had begun to droop, like swings, and then they had decided to settle on the Earth’s surface, and so they had never returned to where they belonged.

“It wasn’t until I was almost in my thirties that I had my first love. It hasn’t been easy,” Nobita thought.

In the past, she had joined online groups, LGBTQ social events, female sports clubs, Hand-in-Hand community proms, lazi lesbian dating apps, and even senior lesbian groups. From free entry to membership or subscription, she had tried them all. In each group, there had always been several polite and modest new acquaintances smiling and welcoming her. But at the end of the gatherings, under the soft music of a coffee shop or a disco, chatting with the girl she liked on LINE had always been like trying to keep using the free WiFi from a shop that had just closed––she had never been able to reconnect.

She hadn’t known when someone had called “close sesame” on her life.

The treasured girl of her dreams had gone dormant.

An audio message came from her girlfriend: “Let’s go to the seaside for our anniversary.” 

Nobita could clearly imagine her girlfriend pulling out sets of pink bikinis from the closet, wearing a pair of sunglasses on top of her head, and posing as though she were looking at some faraway scenery. And then after that, she would pose again, pretending that she was ready to play beach volleyball.

Thinking about her girlfriend’s proposal to go to the beach, Nobita was determined to resist.

Nobita would rather die than actually go there.

“Let’s go hiking in the mountains instead,” Nobita replied. “It’s better for our health, and we can get some fresh air,” she added.

She imagined the full sense of security that covering all of her body with her clothes would give her.

The two of them weren’t able to reach a middle ground, so they not only didn’t speak to each other before bed, but also slept back-to-back.

In Nobita’s dream, her girlfriend was not yet her girlfriend, but Nobita was already Nobita.

When Nobita first visited the tea shop to apply for a job, she met a girl, a tall and hefty manager, swaying her arms and walking toward the entrance. She stared at her thick, evenly trimmed bangs for a long time. Then, the manager smiled, pointed at the name tag on her chest and said, I’m Wang Gian. Just call me Gian. In our shop, we have Shizuka, Suneo, and Wang Sosmart. Gian pointed at the three girls brewing tea and cooking boba at the back. “Alright, welcome to our team. The Doraemon Tea Shop has all its members now.” Excited, Gian attached a name tag with “Nobita” on Nobita’s chest.

*

And that was how Nobita had become Nobita.

The tea shop was close to schools and an MRT station. By four or five in the afternoon, they would have finished delivering all the orders to schools and offices, and then they would have the rest of the time to themselves. It was not close enough to dinner time, so no new customers would come in. All of them stayed at the shop, claiming different corners and chatting with each other.

While stirring the boiler for cooking boba, Nobita began talking with Suneo about her life in the high school dormitory.

“Me and several girls in my dorm room were assigned to clean the school’s military officer’s dorm, and when we opened the drawer, we found a box of condoms in a folder. At that time, everyone was curious about sex. There was a girl with a big mouth from music class; she would blow a condom the way she did with balloons. Oh my god, I still remember that she kept yelling, ‘So greasy, why is it so greasy, so slick and oily!’ But she looked like she was having fun; her mouth opened wider than when she was playing her instrument. She kept blowing into the condom, never expecting that those condoms would very soon become the balloons for the school anniversary.”

“Oh my, I can’t hear this anymore. So lewd! You young people––tell me more!” Suneo took away the stirring rod from Nobita and began to stir the boba.

“Everyone blew the condoms up like bubbles, and all of the girls from the dorm tapped and passed the long-lasting bubbles with their palms. Everyone was enjoying themselves, but then…”

“But what? Do tell.” Suneo sniggered.

“Why did the military officer put condoms in his office? What’s the need? Didn’t he have a family? I remember he had a wife and a daughter in elementary school. He only had to stay the night at school once a week. Hm… and he always arrived very late and woke up super early.” Nobita recalled the dormitory she had stayed in during high school. Even though it had been one that separated boys and girls, the distance between their buildings had been nothing but an empty patch of middle ground. Besides closing the metal gate ceremoniously at midnight, there had been no walls at all.

  Everyone had been busy blowing, hitting, and playing with bubbles. And in a bubble, they had grown from seventeen to eighteen.

“I’ve been wanting to get breasts since high school.” Suneo laughed deeply in Nobita’s ear.

They lifted the big boba pot together, adding ice water and rinsing the pearls. They were so close to each other that Nobita was able to see, despite Suneo’s pale skin, that she had dense stubble on her chin and at the corner of her mouth. For a second, Nobita watched so intently that she almost lost her place in the conversation.

“Everyone says stubble makes a beautiful girl,” Nobita replied quickly.

“Aiya, our new girl knows what to say. Such good taste. I’ll get bottom surgery when I save enough money. Surgeries cost so much––literally burning all my savings.” Suneo blinked and laughed.

Nobita moved her eyes underneath, looking at Suneo’s zipper at her crotch. A slight bump like a small hill. And then in a trance, she looked back at Suneo’s round, fresh-steamed-milk-bun-like breasts.

“Let me tell you, I was in too much of a rush. I did it too early, and now everyone else is doing teardrop implants. Unlike me. With these two, I have to massage them every day in the shower, otherwise they’re going to stiffen like rocks. Sob.” Suneo scooped up boba, adding brown sugar water, one scoop after another.

“Can I touch yours?” Before getting Nobita’s consent, Suneo reached her hand very deep inside of her clothes.

“Oyo, this is the type I actually want. So soft, so bouncy.”

Just then, Gian and Wang Sosmart walked in. They pointed at Nobita and Suneo, laughing out loud. Nobita felt like she had only just got to know Suneo. The way Suneo touched her really made her uncomfortable. But then, everyone was laughing. Gian, Wang Sosmart, Suneo, and Shizuka, who later pulled back the curtain—they all seemed so cheerful. Everyone just kept laughing, and Nobita didn’t know what to do. All she did was laugh with them. Haha, haha, as stiff as it sounded.

“Alright. I was just joking with you. I’m going to the front to prepare the boba milk tea for an order.” Suneo lifted a bucket full of hot and fragrant boba and walked toward the tea shop’s prepping area at the front.

She watched the backs of Suneo and Wang Sosmart, so thin, and exactly the ideal look Nobita had always hoped for. 

When she was still a student, there were so many Wang Sosmarts, tall and strong, playing on the basketball court. But she was better at running than at playing any kind of ball sport. At home, she was not allowed to keep short hair, so all she could do was tie up her long hair into a ponytail, letting it dangle left and right at the back of her head, beating an unsatisfying rhythm.

She was more afraid of the arrival of a long vacation or the Lunar New Year festival than of any of the exams she had. Whenever she arrived home late at night, she would hang the chest binder she bought online from the balcony, only to find it cut into pieces and thrown into the trash by her mother, who woke up early. Her mother said this kind of asaburo thing would affect her physical development. What’s so shameful about being a woman, it’s not like you are brainless with huge breasts, so many girls want big full breasts like yours, why don’t you cherish what you have… As her mother nagged, she stuffed several yellow lace bras she’d bought from the traditional market into the luggage Nobita planned to bring to school.

*

“Hey, look at that, everyone. Three balls running together.”

“Are those E-cups?”

“Oh, so mean. How could you say that? That’s totally downplaying them. They look at least like G-cups to me.”

“GG? Cry-cry?”

“Hahaha… I can’t deal with this anymore.”

Everyone stood in the broadcast room behind the podium, speaking to one another. All their voices spread out from a microphone that was still on. The rankings of sports competitions were announced along with their words, spreading toward different corners of the campus, and then all the way to the bottom of Nobita’s heart. She hid herself in the storage room in a female bathroom, sitting with all the brooms and buckets.

She was pretty sure she had never stepped on those classmates’ toes. Whenever she bumped into them in the school cafeteria or at the stadium, they always said hi to each other. Was it because she didn’t ever win any trophies for her homeroom class? Or was there another reason?

“I heard she doesn’t like boys?”

“Then she…”

“Touches herself.”

“Haha, I win!”

It was as if the corridor outside the bathroom stalls were mid-party–– splashes of water, footsteps, and laughter mixing with the smell of sweat after sports. The entire space was humid and sweltering.

These buckets had never been exposed to the sun, and they emitted a thick, moist odor that smelled extremely awful. Nobita couldn’t help but tear up, and she could only use the edge of her sportswear to dab at her swelling eyes.

*

Nobita hadn’t told anyone in her world that she’d once stood outside the military officer’s dorm, thinking that she had been alone. She stood by the sewage drain, and under her feet were scatters of cigarette butts and clumps of dirt. Light from a TV screen reflected off the window with the old paper decor; Little Tiger in the movie Sixty Million Dollar Man had just pulled down his shorts and was about to use the bathroom, then Stephen Chow was about to press the button on his remote control and fly to the moon—the military officer sat with his back against the window, slightly reclining. His left hand suddenly went limp and dropped to the side; the other half of his body, however, trembled vigorously.

A familiar yellow-laced bra dangled between the legs of his khaki pants.

The girl with the big mouth from music class sat blowing bubbles between the TV and the military officer.

She lowered her head one moment, then lifted it up the next.

And then, the bubble seemed to break. Like Little Tiger in the movie, the military officer growled deep in the back of his throat.

The day after the announcement of their college admission results, Nobita cut off her long hair at an old-school hair salon in town. She carried her thick, leveled bangs and short hair along with two big suitcases and headed toward the bus station.

She was heading to Taipei.

Things would probably take a turn for the better once she arrived there.

Once, she saw a few Ts with completely flat chests in a cosmetic surgery ad on social media. They had wide shoulders and were wearing plain shirts with several buttons undone. They were showing their absolutely scarless bodies.

“As long as I save enough money, something like this wouldn’t be difficult to get; as long as I save money, I can turn nightmares into good dreams. Get handsome, more handsome, even more handsome.” Sitting on the bus speeding on the highway all the way to the North, Nobita opened a memo on her phone and wrote down her first wish after reaching adulthood.

Nobita didn’t know if the real Doraemon actually fulfilled everybody’s dreams. However, she had pinned all her hopes on the Doraemon Tea Shop. Besides money for her three meals, gas for her scooter, rent, water, electricity, and her cell phone fee, she saved up every single penny. It had been a long time since she bought new clothes, even though there were always anniversary sales at department stores or discounts at different malls. In summer, Nobita always wore her cheapest big wide sports shirt; in winter, she had her down sportswear from her employer, and on the back of her jacket was this colorful, funny font that said: Doraemon Tea Shop.

*

It was very different living in a city than in a small town. A shop’s closing time in a small town was the same time all the stores in the city were opening up. Nobita felt that her body had fallen into a cave of jet lag. After closing the shop late at night, Wang Sosmart would give Shizuka a ride with her scooter and go home, while Gian and Suneo would go to Kanpai Train Yakiniku Restaurant and have their late-night barbecue, leaving Nobita alone to do the last clean-up and lock the door. She would arrange all the receipts and sort the trash. She took care of Gian’s shop as though it were hers.

There were cups and cups of black tea latte, so many that they were like the Woodcutter’s Spring in the Doraemon series, the milky-beige water ceaselessly springing out from its source. She remembered that in the cartoon, if something dropped into such a spring, one’s Goddess would appear. According to the story, one shouldn’t lie, and if one told the truth, the Goddess would offer something better, newer.

“Black tea latte, 50% sugar and 30% ice, thank you.” The pair of silky white earrings, dangling with streaming lights, swayed with the girl’s long hair like shooting stars. A foggy, romantic atmosphere sifted through Nobita’s world.

“We’re closing.” Nobita pointed at the ordering screen she had already shut down.

“Do you work here because you like these drinks?” That was the first time her girlfriend had started a conversation with her.

“I’m saving money. Sometimes I do deliveries. Deliveries and no absence means a 10% bonus,” Nobita said.

“What are you saving money for? Your phone looks so old, your screen’s even cracking.” The girl pointed at Nobita’s phone, hanging above her chest.

At first, Nobita didn’t feel like explaining, but then she considered that this girl was just a stranger, so it didn’t really matter.

“I’m saving money for breast reduction surgery.” Nobita was shocked by her own articulation.

“Why? You look great. Look at me, people call my breasts a barren land. Shoooooo…. a plane could fly out from here!” The girl made hand gestures imitating an airplane that was taking off.

Nobita couldn’t help but laugh.

*

In the winter rain late at night, the entire Doraemon Tea Shop was like being immersed in a Woodcutter’s Spring. Nobita felt like she was leaning against the cashier desk listening to the rain and chatting with a Goddess.

That night, Nobita sold not only a drink, but also her own heart.

“It’s free. There’s no need to pay.” She opened the fridge, following the proportions and making a cup of black tea latte, 50% sugar and 30% ice. She placed it on the counter.

Then Nobita and the girl took out their phones and shook them, adding each other on the LINE app.

“Thank you. There’s no need to ‘bear’ your breasts. If yours are too big, I can give you a hand.” The girl sent her a message, joking.

“Thanks. There’s also no need to ‘bear’ a full bladder; we won’t lend our bathroom to anyone else.” Nobita replied, also joking.

It was during the arrival of a cold current that her girlfriend first visited her apartment in the night. The entire city was surrounded by winter rain. The sound of the rain didn’t affect the level of intimacy between them. They didn’t have sex, but that was the hottest night Nobita had ever experienced.

There was no heater or clothes dryer in Nobita’s apartment. She simply hugged her girlfriend close to her body, feeling her tremble out of coldness.

Her girlfriend said, So warm. And then she held Nobita’s hands.

The temperature outside continued to drop: ten, nine, eight, seven degrees Celsius.

The entire world quieted down, and her girlfriend fell asleep soundlessly, as though she were in the embrace of a huge warm dog.

Since then, Nobita liked winter even more.

*

Ever since Nobita had gotten a girlfriend, she had cut down her hours at the tea shop. Sometimes she overslept and forgot her time to check-in at work. And then Gian would desperately call her on the phone or Suneo would speed to her apartment to press the doorbell. And then she would rub her weary eyes, changing into her uniform and starting her shift.

Drowsiness in the winter was a flirty lover, calling her back and forth, torturing her spirit.

After turning off her alarm countless times, Nobita wiggled her way out of her quilt. She didn’t have time to brush her teeth or wash her face. She staggered toward the small balcony at the back of her bedroom, about to retrieve her clothes that had long since dried up.

The chest binder was made of black Lycra with a strong hook and loops at the seam, and the edge was hanging at the brink of a clothespin like a cornered creature. With the coming of a strong wind, it continued dangling and swaying toward the sky.

Tipping her toes and stretching her arms, Nobita tried to grab it as usual.

A stronger, more ferocious wind blew toward her, making the chest binder turn a few circles and slip away from Nobita’s fingers.

Very quickly, the chest binder slipped away from Nobita’s balcony all the way to the sky. It began to fly higher and farther, flying all the way to somewhere Nobita couldn’t see at all.

Her black chest binder was swallowed by the darkness of the night. 

Nobita stood in a trance on her balcony, not knowing what to do.

After that she came back to her senses. She suddenly gasped for breath, falling and sitting in the narrow balcony corridor like a scuba diver who had stayed overtime holding her breath underwater, lacking oxygen.

The darkness ate away Nobita’s clothes and her body. Looking far away, there was only the sign of the Doraemon Tea Shop. Like a borderless white pocket in a fourth-dimensional world, it could be as small or big as you wanted it to be, emitting endless bright light.

Nobita suddenly felt so cold.

She went back to her bathroom, grabbed the showerhead, turned on the hot water, quickly took off all her clothes, and let the water run over her body. She pressed out some shower gel, rubbed out soft dense bubbles, and smeared them onto herself. Circles and circles of bubbles slowly spread out from her body.

Nobita placed her hands in front of her body and slowly cleaned her breasts. Her pale skin began to heat up; her nipples, because of the hot water, had slightly swollen up and grown red.

Before she officially reached thirty years of age, Nobita finally caressed her body for the first time.